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pond

im an angry person. im argumentative and irritable. got in 2 fights w my parents n just told em "imma leave bro" so i did. for a few hours i wasnt home, it got dark so fuckin fast holy hell. but i was mostly at a pond. my safe space. then a car was being really weird freaking me out. like driving by the pond, slowing down to look at me, driving away, coming back and repeat. so i moved further into the pond area. im in fuckin detroit so idk what the hell is wrong with people so i hid for a bit. i left because my parents were gon find me eventually. so i walked abt a mile away from the pond and i got a call. it was from my mom. it started off normal. she was calm. she said she was at the pond. just where i was, right? with the weird car. i kept walking away from it bc i dont wanna go home bruh. then she started screaming. she was trying to talk but she was crying. i yelled "where the hell are you" are she started running. she said there was "something scary". i started to run towards where i she originally said she was but if shes running, in the opposite direction and we're a mile apart, thats fuckin annoying. she was frantic about something but made it home. she sounded so calm when she got back home. we said bye. and i didnt go back to the pond. i dont think i want to. but im home now. im ok there was a sidequest abt some theory of the election not happening, i dont know man. im not sure how i ended up an hour away from my home and listening to some ginger guy explain how a gas station works to some rich lady in a long white fur coat. i dont know anymore man. i dont feel any more calm than i was hours ago, if someone talks to me now, its gonna repeat. im gonna yell, im gonna argue, im gonna fight. i dont know why i do this. i wish i didnt. none of this wouldve happened.

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mission

ok lads. we are so back. im tired as shit but i have things i wanna do. esp w adding to the site

mission one: finish getting each columbine tape set individually with all known footage of each tape

mission two: upload to my YT channel of randy stair/andrew(rachael) blaze media archive

mission three: finish all current articles on my spreadsheet (1.1)

mission four: get ME off a sex worker site bc my so-called FRIENDS doxxed me to use all my info to start messaging "Big_boobs. 45, divorced" that im in the same area and free this friday. STOP GIVING MY NUMBER AND CONTACT INFO TO HORNY WIDOWED SAGGY OLD BITCHES. LEAVE ME ALONEEE.

mission five: its a secret

mission six: idk.. kms? ig? man i ran out of ideas

mission seven: holocaust

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paradise

hello chat. this is my website now ig. army of one. where do i start. well uh - idk if hermit is gonna delete this site, if he does, thats ok - thats his choice. he is the one other owner. but yeah. hermit and i arent friends anymore i guess? idk. are we still brothers? i miss the lil bro era. ive been wanting to just go back, so much i found the log in for my OG account. thats getting ahead of myself. im gonna go back to the beginning. hermit probably isnt gonna read this so its just for my memory ig. hermit, if you are reading this - uh if you wanna add smth, go ahead. from here its just my perspective on things. if i mess anything up or theres something more to be said, say it.

i think this all started when i became closer with a girl named chloe. just the first time i called her, i was on VC with kenny and hermit too. we played some shitty games and wtv. kenny and i got freaky in the freak room - dumb fun ig. more happened and i still dont really know atp. smth abt kenny being my ex or wtv. then hermit freaked out, kept leaving and getting all mad and was like 'i still wanna be your #1 priority' which he always was. him and our future. so i kinda took a step back from that a bit - though i was in a car ride for a while the next morning and i spent most of it harassing people with chloe.

heres where shit hits the fan. i hate how hermit would only talk to me in a 'serious' way when he was high. i fucking hate being around people when theyre high. just bugs the shit out of me. and it all just seemed like lies. no matter how much "no im serious" i just knew those same words were being said to someone else. i know im not normal and i know im hard to keep up with - so being called a psycho wasnt something new. my mom said it herself - so thanks for the honesty, hermit.

shit gets foggy from here but i think this is what happened; i got home from the trip and things went back to kinda usual. talked to kenny more about things and it was rough. he expressed how he didnt want to mess things up so he wanted to take a step back. which is hard to respond to because hes my best friend now and has been for a while. so i didnt want to lose him but i understand if people need some space. i just didnt want him to take that space because he felt like he did something wrong and that it was 'for me' if that makes sense. hermit and i were talking kinda like usual and then i mentioned kenny. hermit said smth like "i thought kenny dont fw you anymore" which was weird bc kenny and i just talked about this and we were even more recently, being retards in DMs. so i told kenny like 'yo... whats up' and he told me more. i wasnt involved in this section here and it was designed that way; hermit made an alt. and he encouraged kenny to do the same. so on hermit's alt he had at least al and kenny added at this point. so him running off to get kenny on board just meant the only person left out of this loop was me. and hey man, thats ok. again, i understand im a pain in the ass but id just like to hear that to my face than from having to learn both my, MY ONLY friends, were trying to run off. from me. kenny told me more, gave me some screenshots - just seemed like hermit only used kenny to dump his issues on to. that upset me - we're supposed to be friends, right? and then the comment abt us and kenny just seemed like he was trying to start shit. because if kenny stopped talking to me, went on an alt with hermit - hermit could have kenny to just dump his issues on and not have kenny do anything about it. so thats infuriating. hermit told me moree and mid sentence i just told him to fuck off. i blocked him and just moved on. kenny and i talked more about it but things were pretty normal. nothing really changed, i mean, hermit just ran from my sight so didnt know what he was up to.

i dont really know how all this came along but felix, hermit's new friend was so horrifically corny that kenny and i took pics of him and made shitty capcut edits. theyre so fucking funny i almost threw up laughing. then from al we heard that hermit was ignoring him. at this point hermit and al were dating for sometime. so that was shitty too. this is where the larping became like a full time job for this guy. the nazi larp was back and i couldnt help but laugh. i dont care if youre a 'nazi' or have those values. im not like 'omg nazi!! cancel!! problematic!!!!' - i just think its really funny when people who... are hermit! say theyre nazis! funny shit. and then he drew like... idk nazi?? suggestive?? stuff of himself and felix. idk - it was weird. esp with al in the picture.

something happened and hermit and i got in contact again through kenny. we talked things over and all seemed well. kenny and i really didnt trust him because... how could we. but i we were willing to make an effort. i found the login for my OG account as i said earlier and it was a blank slate. just like how i left it. no one added that i talked to. only hermit and kenny and hermit's server. back to our little bubble. just like how it was in the better times of the 3008 days. so now im on this fuckass account, still no contact with anyone really. im in the america server but im not friends or anything with anyone. so im still in my bubble. i left my friends i had on my other account without a word - chloe and all them, i just vanished. i would rather have things back to how they were than anything else - so i didnt mind this choice at all. kenny always had connections and shit so he didnt have to do much, kenny is chillin. but hermit goes and makes an alt to be back in our bubble but then goes right ahead and just adds everything from his previous account on to the new one. which is ok ofc but i just dont see the point in it. like alright i left some good times with friends without a word and youre not gonna even put an effort in to focus on rebuilding shit with kenny and i? and i keep saying this but - THAT. IS. OK. its only shitty how you expected kenny and i to prioritize you when you wouldnt even give a shit about us. but whatever. the world kept spinning

long read but this is the final chapter; not much really to say here other than hermit was just so fucking weird coming back. not at all the person who was my brother. he was just gone. and no matter how many times i needed to tell him my view on things he'd always just never get it through his skull. he'd say 'i understand' and then ask the same fucking thing again. just annoying but wtv. then it just became that thing where hermit would just get high all the time and talk about it which is what made me distance in the first place, so thats funny - how everything comes full circle. so i just didnt want to put up with that - go get high and say the same shit skrill did. the shit with al is NO DIFFERENT than how i saw skrill behave. so much weird overlapping with hermit's opinions on things. thats a rant i'd say for another time but idk if there will another time. so make of that what you will. so i talked to kenny - oh i forgot to mention this earlier because its not from my perspective but kenny's rather; hermit giga lied to kenny el oh el. so if kenny has smth to say, i'll add it. so now here we are - i talked to hermit. said ion fw him. he said 'i love you' as a goodbye but man... that hurt. so fuck you was my reply. i dont hate him, i dont feel anything. to me he's a stranger i have memories with. a stranger i saw a better future with at a point. so i wouldnt mind just seeing him in passing. maybe just a 'hi' if we cross paths but he didnt want that. he didnt want any part of me so i'll do what he shouldve done for him. i blocked him. again. not for my sake because again, i dont really care. but for his because he couldnt move his finger over to the block button sooner.

epilogue; kenny and i found skrill again lol. so i wanted to just tell hermit because the skrill lore is so whacky to me. and hermit was all weird like 'make this quick' like... ok... dont be bitchy with me. dont. you know damn well what i know. so imma need you to just keep that mouth a lil more careful. but wtv, after allat he unadded me or blocked me, i dont care to check. so thats where we're at in the timeline here.

to hermit - to blake, my little brother; i hate being left without closure but i guess that can be your perfect revenge huh? revenge for what exactly... im not too sure so idk feel free to answer that if you want. but looking a bit into the future here, all i can say is good luck. i know that boarding school is gonna be stressful and i know i talked a big game about how you'll still be you after but im not too sure about that. its clear youre willing to bend over backwards to fill some kind of status quo. just like when we first met so i guess somethings did go back. or maybe never changed but i have my own thoughts on that. so maybe you will change. maybe our goal will seem so outlandish to you sometime. honestly, i kinda hope you do. maybe that means you found peace - its for sure deserved despite some conflict. i hope you find joy in it so its not just an act you have to play. youre not as strong as i thought you were so maybe its just best you rest and let someone else change the world. look at all the people youve criticized and now look at not only your actions but who you are. i dont hate you or dislike you in the slightest. i dont think i ever could even if i tried. not sure i typed all this to an audience who doesnt exist - and if they did, they wouldnt care. i know youre gonna hate me saying this but - im always still stuck exactly where you found me and left me. so the blessing in that is that you'll always know where to find me, because you know where to look. i have a lot of questions that i think are fitting here and im sure you know why. so im lost here. thats it ig - cya!

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rant

for starters; not directed at anyone in particular, just all of you

how are you all so fucking dumb? its not like im smart, its just that youre all dumb and lack critical thinking. all of you go about life in the most incorrect way possible and the only reason you look down on me for my ideals is because im the minority here. youre all too stupid to realize how to regulate shit. i know im gonna be a hypocrite here but this is just a rant - i hate people who want to derail things online because it upsets them. with things online, you dont have to be there. just fuckin leave. its not hard? so instead of making others revolve around you - let them just go abt their day until you have a place in the discussion. "but when you get annoyed online, you stay" - its because im not actually annoyed. end of. a lot just comes down to my tone i think - i wish i could change it and i know it'll solve a lot of my social issues but at this point, just deal with it - or dont!! its up to YOU!! if im too "harsh" then read me differently or just dont talk to me. i dont understand how humanity never fails to become more retarded every second of every day - so maybe its me who is retarded for not understanding that but no one can seem to explain the reasoning so the latter isnt quite right. "you never listen" becuase your words are pointless and nothing but mindnumbing. and if you feel that way about me, great! good for you! just as i have the right to think youre dumb, you have the right to think i am too. being wrong isnt a crime so feel however you like ofc.

i hate people who endlessly ask questions when the answers are right in front of them. i hate people who need everything spoon fed to them. if someone asks a question online in a broad topic or discussion, dont include yourself to ask "what" - chances are there is an explaination already written if you just move your fat ass fingers to the scroll bar and SCROLL! like if youre not too lazy to type "what" in a chat then youre not too lazy to use the scroll bar either which if anything, is almost always less effort. so just think for yourself for once and stop demanding that everyone around you repeat the discussion but with your needs in mind because youre too lazy to read. "oh but niki, youve mad 'i aint readin allat' jokes before wtf you hypocrite". youre missing my point! because when i say shit like that, im already in the convo and i do go back to read it - its just annoying when people walk in JUST TO MAKE YOU RESTATE THINGS!

i also hate people who are so indirect or just dont say whats on their mind but they just dance around it. like youre not slick, youre just annoying. ig its different for other people but this isnt abt them - its MY rant about ME so idc. i hate when things are sugar coated to not hurt feelings. like you'll never learn or grow if you have to protect your feelings so much. grow up and take it. i hate people who try to predict how i will react to things so they change their wording or wtv - like I SEE THROUGH YOU. 'oh i like __ abt you but i dont like __" just tell me what you dont like - i dont need to hear your pity nor do i care.

"youre so entitled and narcisistic" dont care. dont like me, turn the other cheek bc i'll do the same for you. whyh dont you understand that. why do you engage with me if i only make you all mad? and then why do you get mad at me that you continue to talk to me? like i can understand that i upset you but why do you keep seeking it out? only to get mad when you find exactly what you were seeking to do? maybe i am so narcisistic that i dont want the company of anyone but myself. if that upsets you then dont talk to me, clearly i dont want to talk either. so uphold your end of the deal

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envy

well hermit has just given me a great prompt; envy. i hate when people are better than me - even if it means being better at being worse than me. it pisses me off. its not jealousy, just envy.

jealousy is a good thing. jealousy is when you want something someone else has so in the end; you can both have said thing. envy is evil. envy is wanting something so youre willing to take it. no one but you can have it. no equality, just your hatred.

hermit knows that about me and he said he tries to be worse than me. sigh. being so much better than me you have to pity me because of how low i am compared to you. and i know its true. i know i will never be the best at everything, ever. infact, i have nothing ahead of me. no skillset, no future, no goals, nothing. so i can sit here and complain about this but that would only prove that im not naturally good. to be good, i have to be fake. so there is nothing i can do except sit here and put up my front of pride. there is nothing to admire about me im nothing. ive never said anything like this, ever - because of how much i lie about how great i am. no person who is actually great has to lie like me.

in the end, hermit will always be better than me in every way. and i guess im ok with it. not with not being the best but because its hermit who is better than me. and if someone has to be better than me, i'd chose hermit take that place

accepting

like i said, if im not the best, then at least hermit is. what i dont have, he has. so as i said to him - we're like to blind people trying to navigate through traffic. even though we'll get no where, at least we both had a guide and a follower. two halves of one whole. SO IF A DOUBLE DECKER BUS CRASHES INTO US TO DIE BY YOUR SIDE, SUCH A HEAVENLY WAY TO DIE- no but fr, at least we'll die together, still as one whole

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kinda back

i dont really know what to say. ive been so tired all day despite my heart feeling like i just ran a marathon. its impossible to stay awake but its equally impossible to sleep. i wanna blow my brains out - not bc i want to die but because i think it'll feel nice. finally have some rest ya know. hard to describe. i still feel so? blank? i dont know. just nothing. im always like this but especially now, its just not something that can be labeled. the word "nothing" is far too much to describe it. the only times i feel anything is when i reach my breaking limit - but even then, im not mad, or sad - just overwhelmed.

i ruined my body so much. i have a pretty big third degree burn now. all the nerve endings are dead - i cant feel it. i can feel around it but the actual burn, its just numb. my arm, the broken one, has been making sleep impossible. im in pain all the time and my arm keeps going paralyzed. when its not, i can hear and feel the bone like its slowly being shattered. my dad made a comment about how much i eat. i OMAD every day and even then, its not a full meal. so i should cut back a bit more i guess. i wanna go for walks again - around my town not just the block. but i dont think i can walk those paths without thinking about what happened. ive been ignoring all my friends - just talking to kenny and hermit. i talked to kenny last night. it was a lot of fun. i played some games with hermit too before that and it was a lot of fun too.

thats really it tho. ugh, still gotta code the actual thread part tho. im kinda dreading it. wtv i started my AL doc on here too i just have to organize it like the actual doc. bye

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kiss kiss bang bang

im so destructive. this is why i cant keep friendships. im nothing but cruel to people and i cant get a grasp on reality. i was cvtting to apologize to hermit and my mom walked in with my fucking cat. i covered everything and i walked over with my arm bleeding and stinging with my sleeve wrapping around the fresh cuts into the deeper layers. i held my cat who i purposely avoided when walking to my room because i didnt want her to cheer me up like she always does. then my mom started pulling at my hair all disappointed that i cut my own hair again. its not like i leave the house or look presentable its just for what works for me. she was all mad and then asked about the test i had to do, i gave it to her turns out i did my test all wrong and all the pages are messed up. just those 2 minutes was so much already with the added stress of everything today, not just with hermit. i only got more upset by the second and my mom was picking up on my tone. "you only did like 5 minutes of work" my mom yelled. i stayed up for hours last night and neglected my friend to do that. thanks. its so much all the noises, the sights and feelings everything. just too much. i fell to my floor and began pulling my hair out as my mom just watched. i started sobbing and screaming to leave me alone - i just wanted to cvt in peace. she kept pressing me on what was wrong and i cant tell her "you interupted me cutting to apologize for being mean to my friend" so i just kept crying and shaking. she sat down beside me, placed her hand on my shoulder and kept asking what was wrong. the added touch with how sensitive i was already annoyed me so much i just yelled for her to leave me alone even though she didnt really do anything wrong. she left and i locked my door, went back to cutting - deeper than before. tears fogging my glasses and choking on my own spit i left both hermit and kenny's server. i dont really know why but it just felt like i needed to. needed to because im fucking destructive. here i am - right back at the start. im so destructive.

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2 days

N/A

shut yo emo ass up! now, i think kenny should get into coding. i think he'd make a lot of cool shit. and i'd be more than happy to help! YAY HE'S DOING IT. once i get the thread function set up, i can easily make a thread for copy and paste code for anyone who wants it!

doing some animation stuff and wtv today. some OW2 bc when do i not. theres been over 50 gunshots ive heard today. so annoying omggg

wait hermit's entry got lost... wtf happened... IM SO SORRY HERMIT. NVM I FOUND IT

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site bs

ok i got my shit setup here. this is gonna be my main page while /nikitesting is exactly what it sounds like - testing. im gonna write my codes in there and then copy what i need from there into here. i'll add a new box depending on the date/time/topic along with the image. ok thats it for rn - will prob write later. bye-bye!

after wanting to pull my skin off for the past 2 hours, i finally did it! i got this shit done the only thing left is to change the color of the scroll bar and that shouldnt be too hard so i'll do that later. i got on my PC to play games so idk how i managed to lose track of what to do for 3 hours but i had to do this sooner or later